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to explain ur question: "Purposly mean to you" means that they TRY to be mean and that they do have intentions in hurting me.
I personaly dont get hurt from such intentions unless they do succseed in and they " hit the target", and that rarely happens. For example a freind trys to be mean to me by sayin: ur taste in fashion is bad. ok it is clear that HE IS PURPOSLY BIENG MEAN, but he didnt "hit the target" because i dont care what others think of my taste in fashion. another friends says: Your football skills are awfull!. Again this purson is being mean ON PURPOSE but this time he did "hit the target" because i do care about what ppl think of my football skills as a result i get Mad but i usualy try not to show it but i do when somone crosses the line.
Anger mangement is a crucial thing here. so here are some Anger management tips:
1. Seek therapy or anger management groups. Or with the net one can go on line, and find dozens, hundreds, perhaps thousands with a same or similar problem. One can join chat groups.
2. One can mitigate one's anger by transference. Transfer one's anger to inanimate objects like a punching bag. Examples of such may found at the following Release-Anger.
3. Understand the reasons for your anger and understand its causes:
Examine thoughts, as the memories of the causes and reasons for the anger to arise. Limit this examination to one source and cause at a time, and isolate it from the numerous other things that may make one angry.
4. Determine whether specific anger is legitimate, or from expectation:
LEGITIMATE ANGER: One is certainly genuinely entitled to anger at those who do one harm, cheats, lies, steals from one, or violates one in some way. One may be legitimately angry at circumstance such as the situation of an orphan, incest, rape, deceit and innumerable other injustices. And so the anger is justified and it is there, and it is quite natural. This justified anger may be amplified by frustration, where one cannot do anything to rectify the cause, either because it is in the past and done, or because the cause cannot or will not be changed. Dwelling on this anger often causes extreme emotional states, adrenalin rush, the racing of thoughts and the exaggeration of other slights related or not.
a. Deal with Legitimate Anger: It comes down to - one wants justice. Anger may be readily justified by difficult circumstances and people. One would expect not to get robbed and when one does one is entitled to get and be angry. However the anger and bitterness only compounds the original injustice extending it into perpetuity. One allows the perpetrator the control of one's feelings endlessly, not only in the past but in the present as well.
b. Realize anger becomes an identity. 'I am angry person, hear me roar'. This entitles one to special privileges and compensations. It gives one power. Attempt to discover the entitlements one's anger has provided one, and that one becomes dependent. One may derive emotional energy and motivation from anger, to power trip and just to get one's own way. Perhaps a better way to channel this type of anger is to get mad at things that don't affect one exactly personally, like the news. Channel anger into creative motivation like art, writing, manual labor or sports.
c. Realize that depression, even that diagnosed by a professional, can at root be caused by anger, and the frustration arising when it cannot or is not rectified, and there is no justice. Because anger in most cases must be suppressed, so as to not cause harm to oneself and others, or its source has caused humiliation and shame, and because one seethes with it when not released, and one pushes it into the unconscious, its unresolved festering can cause depression.
d. Understand that unresolved anger is often directed unfairly at others by stereotype, as either individual persons, groups or organizations. Unable or unwilling to confront the source of one's anger, one may create a general category resembling the character of the source and attack those of that type to get justice. It is unfair to guiltless parties.
e. Determine fault by an honest assessment, mostly to determine whether one has misplaced blame on oneself. Do not take blame for others misconduct. If one has some culpability take responsibility for it, wherein it helps to admit and cross check with others. Refuse to take any responsibility where one is not at fault. This means there is no guilt. However if one has culpability one may have diverted the anger from the self to another party. One might find that they may have exaggerated the source incident out of proportion. Until one accepts responsibility there will be no resolution, but only endless recrimination.
f. Attempt to discover one's true feelings toward the source of one's anger and of oneself in relation to it. One may feel they cannot put the blame on someone they love, or admit hate especially if one does not believe they hate, or cannot love one they think they hate, or cannot hate one they think they love.
g. Separate out conflicts of interest, such as emotions in conflict with ambitions and desires, such like confrontation with an anger source that controls inheritance or livelihood. One may have to choose between material benefit and self-well being.
h. Purge the anger. This is a necessity and can be done in a variety of ways. Confront the perpetrator. Get revenge if the perpetrator truly deserves it. Get it out and confess it to oneself and to others. Write it out. Once one has made it conscious, the next step is to say it aloud to others, as the case with 'whatever' Anonymous. This can be a professional, a group, friends or complete strangers.
i. Accept it. What is done is done. Move along nothing to see here. Get over what is only a negative force in one's life.
j. Forgive. Never forgive, whatever is the most honest solution.
k.Forget.
5. EXPECTATION ANGER: means one creates expectations of one's own choosing, or adopts them from family, friends or the culture in general. Anger may arise when actual experience or present thinking does not conform to expectation, and where that expectation is important and has consequence. Expectation is standards, rules, laws, tradition, custom, the way one expects others and reality and general to be. When reality does not meet expectations, one may get angry. This anger problem can be dealt with by changing one's expectations.
a. Do not expect others to share the same standards, values, and expectations as oneself. Maybe the most common expectation is expecting others to conform to one's own standards. Don't assume others who make one angry are doing it intentionally. They may simply have different standards. In some cities in the world everyone beeps their horn when the light changes to green. One may get angry because someone's faux pas is interpreted as willful disrespect, arrogance or animosity, when actually the true problem may be they are simply unaware of what one's standards are. Confront the perpetrator in some way to let them know that they are making one angry. Of course caution must be considered in the event of the possibility of violence.
b. High expectations for other people when unrealized, may tend to cause anger. Anger may be created by imposing expectations and by having them imposed on one. Attempt to understand the motivations for one's high expectations. One may discover they have more to do with one's own flaws of character. Recognize that imposing one's own standards on others is fascist. Let them have their own life. When there is conflict: discuss it, argue it out, compromise or separate. One may not like it when others do it to one, but to then do it to others, can only be for the reason of some higher authority. One may have to learn to avoid these kind of people.
c. When something makes one angry express and let it out immediately in some calm and intelligent way and do not suppress it. Make understandings with others concerning one's annoyances. One should expect that compromise might be necessary. In relationships, expectations should be known and agreed upon by all parties. Expectations for children or anyone for that matter should be relative to their capacities and equally explained.
d. You can change your expectations: Anger can be dealt with by changing one's expectations. One may change, as raise or lower one's expectations for circumstances and other people. It is useless to expect a dog to adopt religion, and the failure can only cause disappointment and anger. People who are wedded to strict, standards and absolutes are subject to anger when others do not conform. Apply standards to oneself and not necessarily others. Separate the responsibility for one's own standards from others.
e. Always discuss with others what it is they do that causes one's anger and attempt a resolution or compromise. Relationships may have to be ended if no resolution can be reached, when the anger is destructive to all members involved. The break may be a better option than the continuous friction and perhaps violence and humiliation of all.
6. CIRCUMSTANTIAL ANGER: Anger at circumstance can be difficult to solve since it is often difficult to change, like children who don't like their family for instance. Learn to accept reality as it naturally is. Avoid circumstance that causes anger whenever possible, like avoiding certain people, situations and relationships. Learn one's own capacities and do not get angry at one's inability to live up to things that are not realistic for one's own abilities. Many times these things may become possible as one gets older, or they may simply be impossible. Personally not planning on ever becoming a millionaire. Not fair is it? It may help to accept the world the way one finds it and not create anger by having unrealistic expectations.
[edit] TipsTry squeezing a stress ball.
If at any time you are thinking about doing something that would hurt yourself or other people, get help immediately.
If you feel anger taking over, remove yourself from the situation before things become too heated.
Recognize that sometimes anger is justified, and may need to come out. However, realize that there are productive ways to do it instead of lashing out at others.
Be diplomatic or make a witty comment, instead of just yelling. This way, if the other person overreacts, it makes you look good and them look bad.
Ask yourself if the future recipient of your furor deserves to be blown up at, or if you are just using them as a punching bag to release steam about another person/issue that bothers you.
Sometimes, instead of talking to someone directly, it is more appropriate to write a letter.
Taking yoga can be a long-term solution to anger problems, allowing you to focus on your feelings and release your stress.
If at all possible, remove yourself from the situation. It's amazing the difference 8-hours of sleep or a 5-minute walk can make. Time gives you distance from the issue, allowing you to put things into perspective.
Find a creative outlet, such as writing, drawing etc. where you can expend your energy. Hobbies help elevate your mood and allow you to channel energy that you'd usually spent dwelling on issues that you aren't able to resolve. Imagine what you could do with the energy you expend in anger if you channeled it into something else.
There is a difference between controlling anger and holding it in until later. If you are unable to avoid feelings of anger, try to release your bottled up feelings later in positive forms like art, exercise, or some other hobby.
Try thinking of stuff that you are thankful for. The more specific, the better. You can't be truly angry and thankful at the same time.
Meditation is a useful way to release stress and/or anxiety, which are often prerequisites to anger. Do not meditate when you are angry, as this could have a negative effect on your anger. Instead, meditate when you have calmed down and are in complete control of your thoughts and emotions.
Remember, we are all human and tend to get angry at someone or something. You can tell someone how you feel and see if they can help you.
[edit] WarningsYou may need to see a professional on mental health if problems still exist.
Never take your anger out on anyone.
If you feel like you lose control when you're angry, seek psychological help.
Anger is never, ever an excuse to strike out at or abuse (physically or verbally) the people around you.
Find something that releases your anger (nothing violent or harmful) this could be as simple as throwing a few punches at your punching bag in the basement |
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