My Husband is from Egypt and he says women in his culture don't act like me what exaclty do women there do?

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MUhammed K

A usual arab trait !

Zoser II

Well
I will be very honest with you, and I do not mean any offense to him, to you, to Americans nor Egyptians

You answered yourself < he is suffering depression because the economic situation, we will see more and more depression because of that, and that is not limited to him , or to Egyptians with Americans,, Lots of pure American couples (if there is something called pure Americans) are having lots of Family problems because of that,, In fact there are lots of divorce cases all over the world because of that,, Men in general see their career is very important (than even their sons) Have you heard of a man commit suicide when losing a child (opposite to women...!!!) but Yes men do that/or have heart attack , if they lose their wealth (all over the world,,if they are not that stable, have you heard of a woman died because of losing a career???)
Bear in mind that he -even if he lived in USA for long time - In difficult situation - longs to be with his people (as matter of psychological protection in this difficult circumstances ... even hearing his native language would calm him down )
Anyway
He is lying to you,, lets say he is trying to find a reason to fight,, not because he does not love you , but because he feel bad,and depressed ,, and Egyptian women -in daily life - raise the voice while fighting , can chat in the internet, and expect help from their husbands in house work...and sometimes men cook instead even..

he should seek physiological help,, which needs also money,,, so the best , is just to bear him if you love him, or just leave,,, That does not have any relation with nationalities,,I saw that is happening with European couples , pure natives , or mixed marriage,,, or whatever....(who said that life is easy???!!!)
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Do not treat him as different because you are an American and he is an Egyptian, People are the same everywhere, some can stand difficulties and some can not, some are good and patient and some are not.... it is a man and woman problem , not American and Egyptian problem..
@ come on Aldonbon : I used to hear the voice of my neighbors daily fighting and both were Egyptians,IN EGYPT,, and my father used to cook and share in the house work and he was an Egyptian,, (and all my Egyptian friends are doing that,,and wash too!!!), so No , not all women in Egypt are just cooking , and clean and the men are se el saed. سى السيد (that is very very rare now,, ask any girl here !!!)..Do not you watch movies??or lets say do not you have neighbors??
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Thank you dear Albodon< But i assure to you , tha NO one American/ European / Indian Or Egyptian like their wives to raise their voices on them,, and By the way American/European/Indian AND EGYPTIAN women do not also like their husband to raise the voice on them.. (but it happens everywhere, for small reasons , in any country,, as I said Life is not easy) And In Egypt, with the Majority, Men and women share the responsibility, even changing the baby Diapers,,,, You know what? I think there are lots of Divorces in Egypt now, because Perhaps , men are thinking again to adapt the macho man role, (if that is true) as I heard that 40% of the marriages in Egypt end with divorce in the first 3 years , which I have not seen in my family, or the surrounding in the last 40 years.. MY God EVEN ABU AYA was holding his baby because she was crying till a late hour yesterday night,,, Ask HIM !!!!!!!

juvegirl, all done now

This guy acted sweet to marry you and now you're seeing his true colours.

this isn't an Islamic issue, this is a: Your husband is a jerk issue.

I am Christian and I'm with a Muslim guy, but my experience is totally the opposite. If he complains about anything I cook, I say: You know where the kitchen is. Help yourself. And you know what? He either eats what I cooked, or makes something for both of us. (He's turned out to be a good cook.)

Being a good wife does not mean being a slave to someone's petty whims. He doesn't appreciate you. He's taking advantage of your good nature. These things he is doing is to break down your will, so he can treat you even worse and you'll still stay with him.

I have a problem with raising my voice when I'm angry, and it bothers my guy too, so I've done a lot of work to lower the volume. But that doesn't mean I have to shut up and can't give voice to my feelings. If he does something insensitive, you want to bet he hears about it, and has to make up for it. Just as I would for him. Equality. Love. Trust. You know, the things you expect from a relationship.

I was once with someone like the man you describe your husband to be. It only got worse and worse. At some points, he'd clean up his act, like 10% better, for a couple of weeks, then he'd be worse than ever.

About the food: He was the same way, nothing was good enough. I once got home made bread from his mom and said I made it: Still not as good as mom's. So what does that say? It's all bs, to controll you.

He did all the same crap about cheating (I never did) and the boohoo don't leave crap. Once he saw that I was staying, it was right back to the emotional abuse.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but honey, at least consider separation. Annulment is another option. God didn't give you free will for you to give it to someone else.

Good luck, e-mail me if you want.

EDIT: Having now read through some of the comments, I will add this: Every so often, my guy will say something like: I'm from the middle east, this is how we are! And I counter: Well I'm from Canada, and this is how we are. If you wanted a middle eastern girl, there are thousands to choose from. You chose me. So deal with it.

The others are right, Islamically he shouldn't treat you this way, and he's playing with you intentionally. We don't live "Islamically" meaning we both pay for things, but that's because he can't, not because he won't. And we both do the housework (him more than me, actually).

Really consider what Sara said, why is he divorced? Should you throw away your whole life on someone who doesn't respect you? What kind of children will you have? Boys that disrespect women and girls that bow their heads? Is that what you want?

Just, take a time out and really think about what kind of life you want to live.

Take care.

7ala is fluffy ?

'The ministry of common sense' has said almost exactly as i would have told you as an English woman married to an Egyptian. (i thumbs you up).
My man was never cruel, but he is highly strung & was very stubborn about adapting to the way of life here. He wanted rice with everything, wouldnt try new things, didnt want to meet new people, & generally got very stressed. He said i turned his world up side down & he didnt know how things work anymore. I knew how he felt, i felt like that when i moved to Egypt, lol. In both cases, the home sickness was awful.
He was the prince of his family, the eldest son & all was done for him at the click of his fingers (even in a poor family).
I just wanted to tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel if you can bear to wait. Its now 5 yrs since we moved to England & after a couple of turbulent years, Khal has settled in well & is very happy with me & England, he goes home to visit & says he dosnt want to go back & live now.
I wish you all the best for the future.

PS. We dont worry about Internet chatting & whether our friends are male or female, the word is TRUST.

@ I have been thinking & reading all the other answers, & you know what = it wouldn't do him any harm to show him what you wrote & how you feel, then let him see what all these people from Egypt & all over the world think about the situation & some of the good advice they have given. After all, there must have been love there in the first place, so its worth working on.
All the best to you.

Esra

social and culture difference .. hard to get over it
and i think it's you who's getting all the sad and bad side about it now .. i'm sorry you have to go through all that to try to cope and fit in to his standards
obviously he was raised in that way and in that enviroemnt where his mom will be the perfect house wife .. not all men will mock their wifes after they cooked or worked hard

and every wife has a bad side to her husband .. so i guess this is his .. you can get some islamic info. of how he should treat a wife as a muslim to help him understand islam is one thing and culture is another .. your human and he should not push you to become the perfect women for him
if you yell well he must have known that before you marry him .. you can try another strategy and leave him when he's angry to not yell .. and talk leter when your calm

hope i helped

just jude

email me if you want personal advise. i am american married to an Egyptian. Best wishes, Salam, jude

Firefly

I am American married to an Egyptian (4th year). I can tell you that intercultural relationships are difficult enough without trying to throw emotional problems into the mix.

My opinion? You married an emotionally immature man. Why try to act like an Egyptian woman? You never will be, even if you tried it would never be good enough, so why bother?
If you don't have children yet consider yourself lucky, do NOT get pregnant, things will only get worse with time. You have to try to deal with him on a mature level and from the point of view that YOU are different from his culture. He can like it or not....but he made the commitment to marry you and that means he has to take it seriously and stop making you feel badly because you are who you are.

I would personally NEVER stay married to a man like that - n-e-v-e-r. You don't have to divorce, ok, but why put yourself in a position to be emotionally abused on a daily basis? Do you think even a bad man is better than no man at all? I would tell him to go back home and stay with his family for a while and to think about what he really wants out of life. You teach people how to treat you. Teach him that you are STRONG and you don't put up with any emotional scraps he happens to throw your way - withholding sex? Ugghh...how could you even be intimate with someone after he treated you this way all of the time??

You are supporting him and YOU are doing all of the work.....you're dealing with a mommas boy that will never be satisifed because his mother set the standard and in turn screwed you over. You will never win, just be thankful you don't live near mom otherwise your problems might be ten fold. Seriously, you need to do some quick adjustments in your relationship otherwise you can look forward to the next 30 years of dealing with this 'I'm going to act docile and domestic so you will approve of me, please approve of me, please have sex with me, please tell me you think I am good and the things I do are good, oh please, I am needy'.................how old is that going to get?
stand up already ~

Kristy

I am also an American who married an egyptian, and can relate to many of the things that you have said. However I was able to turn the tables on many of the comments being made. Such as: Egyptian women don't do things that way. Response: Well you knew I wasn't egyptian when you married me, and you decided to marry me anyway. I don't tell you thats not how an american guy does things do I.

One of the very best things you can do is ( I'm assuming he is muslim, as most of egypt is) Read the quran (english version) It Very clearly says how a man is to treat a woman and a women is to treat a man. The next time a comment is made, start you response with, the quran says that.....

I have now been happily married to my husband for a little over ten years, and I will always let him know when I think he said or did something I felt was out of line he may not agree right away but within a day or two he reopens the conversation to tell me the more the thought about it, I was right..again...I usully am..lol

The Ministry of Common Sense

It sounds like you are going through a typical adjustment period. How long have you been married? I can tell you that the first year of any marriage is the hardest and being in a multi-cultural marriage is always about learning each others cultures. It sounds like your man is stuck in the past and not really willing to compromise and adapt to the American culture. How long has he lived in the US? I'm not saying he must completely think like an American, but he must accept these things about you and not try to change you. Just as he wants you to understand how life was for his Egyptian mother (cooking, working, cleaning, etc.), he must be willing to learn how your life was with your family. I am American and married to an Egyptian man. I write about understanding aspects of Egyptian culture in my blog. Check it out in the link below.

sistablu...Maat

First of all let me say that I think Zoser has given you a great answer.
But as an Australian married to an Egyptian and living in Egypt let me tell you the one first things I noticed about my husbands family was how loud his Mother talked...like she was yelling.
I was terrified of her at first but we are now sooo close and I love her, but she and my sisters in law all yell they aren't angry.... its an Egyptian thing!
All my Egyptian girl friends and relis spend a lot of time on the internet as do their husbands.
From what you have said the problem is not about his being Egyptian but his state of mind and lack of self worth at the present.
So sweetie I think as Zoser has said he has issues that need to be addressed before he goes too far and does drive you out of his life.
Try and talk him into visiting a Doctor and get some counselling if needed.
You may have to give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't seek help for his obvious depression and anxiety that you will leave as much as you don't want this to happen you must realise that you cant go on indefinitely pandering to his every whim just to be continually abused and accused by him.

Bleda The Mad

Sad story First it might be about culture. Let me tell you something about my father. First 2 years he says that he was mean to my mom. But now you can see him cooking, doing the dishes. Maybe your husband is depressed because of the job thing. Every man tries to make more money than their wifes. If can not it may affect the male negative sometimes. I think he should help you about house stuff too. Talk to him and say that you trust him about everything. Make him take his self confidence back.

NOLA Girl in Texas

Is he Muslim. If he is then the needs to get off this assets and get a job and be a real man. In Islam the man is completely responsible for the well being of his wife. No wife supports a man in this culture and then he has the nerve to lay off of this tired cultural crap on you. Know what the rights are under Islamic law. Wives have a lot of rights regardless if you are Muslim or now. Many women marry these men blindly only to find out later. Arab women aren't angles darling just as anyone else. But most will be submissive to their husbands. But under Islam it is a sin for him to deny you or you to deny him in bed. For him to joke about it is really horrible. Arab men or Muslims don't take very nicely for their wives to have "male friends." You are making him feel insecure and he probably feels disrespected by you.

After the food thing-if he can't be satisfied with anything, let him make his own food or hire a cook.

If he is so concern with you being feminine then he should get off his lazy behind and get a job and stop allowing you to take care of him. He can't have it both ways.

He knew how you were when he married you. Any most Arabs know that American women are not like some Arab women that are completely submissive to their husbands. It is a different culture. Divorcing someone doesn't make you good or bad. If you want to live like this then you will have to suck it up. What will you do if you have kids?

He sounds like a good candidate for some counseling (professional help). Perhaps you should speak with some ladies from his culture and also see advice from a professional

Abu Aya

You're a perfect wife according to any standards.
Women in Egypt do cook and clean and take care of the housework properly, but THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK.
And if they do work, their performance at home is naturally expected to drop down.

Your husband should be fair. Have a calm talk with him and tell him that if he wants you to be perfect around the house, then you should quit your job and devote your time for the house life.
If he insists on you keeping your job, then tell him that he should help out with the house work.

And a tip for you:
If you really wanna be like an Egyptian wife, never have male friends. Seriously, have all the female friends that you want, but never a male friend. You'll be giving him reasons to fight with you if you have male friends.

Sara

Look, im a 20 year old girl, born and raised to arab parents in australian society. I have picked up more of the austrlian values and morals and really this has affected the relationship with my own family. My brothers act according to your husband, they expect the exact same.

It is known to be that most men, born to an arab family, have had a mother or sister always picking up after them. In the end, marriage for some arab men to them is the belif that they are marrying a maid who they can have sex with.

Somthing you should have realised before you got married was the complications of this, indeed you have to have been raised in an arab home to understand where im working at.

In the end, married to this guy, he sees your responsiblty as being

cooking, cleaning and children bearing . Occationally he'll expect some friendly attention from you.

He has been taught, growing up, the best way to make a women consistantly better herself, is by not pleasing her. Understand that he sees this as a way of making urself a better wife. The only problem here is that is goes agaisnt what you have been raised to know what a wife is.

As far as i see it, you are trying very hard. As a women who knows the hardship between assimulating between cultures, its all about balence. Try this big tip, his mother is a big influence in his life. A MASSIVE ONE. Trick is, to get on her good side, coz wen u are on her good side, she always knows how to shut her son up. If u live far from her, i.e differnt countries, call her. Talk to her, ask her " how should i clean the kitchen , cook this blah blah "

you dont need to really take her advice, just pretend to, and stress it to your husband that your learning from your mother. Then wenver something goes wrong

i.e the food isnt that good

just say its how ur mum taught me how to do it.

also, dont be afriad to be-friend her , and tell her your persisstance to become a independent worker, this way

you can just tell your husband that his own mum approves of your actions.

Listen to this

The best way to educate a family, is to educate the mother.

also you shouldnt be afriad to speak your mind. Tell him that you feel like he is pressuring you. Do it while you do something nice like cuddling up to him on the couch.

in the end, truth be told, you should devorse him. it will get worse. In the end you will have to change to suit his wants. he was previously devorced, have you ever asked why? Perhaps theres no excuse, he is a bad husband dispite you sticking up for him.

Kerry J

Hey,
Hunn, i admore your determination to make marriage work, it seems at times Marriage isnt what it was yrs ago (i say that and im only 26 - but admored my gradparents marriage!).
I dont disbeieve in Divorce as it think some things are beyond repair, or unforgivable etc etc...
HOwever, you say all the negative stuff seems to have appeared after marriage realy so he seems very old fashioned in his views of women, and that once a wife, you have roles etc.
I kinda (a tiny bit) understand where he is coming from as this is what he has been raised with and is tradion and culture, however, he is living in the US, not Egypt, so I feel he should maybe adapt more to the culture there and try and get him to respect you for what you do, not could do.
I am afraid, being quite feisty, i would point bank refuse to do everything, if that was the responses or attitudes. I would explain, whilst you bot work full time you both have jobs to do - even turn it into a hobby - ie take cooking class together???
With chores, i may do more of the nitty gritty - ie when i cean the bathroom, it includes behind pipes and down the loo itself (nice) hubby would wash bath and sink, but he does do most the clothes washing and dusting so i feel that compensates for the horible jobs i do.
I cook as a rule, but he washes up too, and i feel we have a good balance.
I think deep down most blokes kinda like the oldfashioned stereo type of housewife but in this day and age, not all of us want or can even afford that!!
So i think we all should make our contribution. I just would not allow it, i would make a point of not doing all the chores or as petty as this sounds, if he truely values your efforts so much, dont do things for him intially, then once they are not there or done, he may realise all you done.
I would not cook for him, but for yourself, wash your own clothes and dinner stuff etc. I know how pathetic and childish and tit-for-tat that seems, but by not having your efforts, he should suddenly think, hang on.
Its a modern world now, i think if you both work, you both help out,but yes, if i were a housewife, i would do the chores and cooking and expect maybe just a bit of contribution like wash up after dinner or if we had kids, once he hadrelaxed for a bit and had dinner, kids become shared responsibility then etc etc!
Do try and make it work but do not let him talk you down and DO NOT be the only one to clean a house yu both live in and mess you both create - and dont accept his bad comments, he will try and break you down and you will be a different person before you know it.
If he wanted those values in a women, he should have married someone who is happy to do all that, he knew you before you got married.
Good luck and be firm!!! xx

Aldonbonn

well, answering ur question
wifes here clean, cook and don't raise their voices at their husbands

so it seems that he also was shocked after the first week, but he should give u chance to learn all that, like later it will be much easier to clean, cook and do all the house work and u really should respect him and not to raise ur voice at ur husband

and no the answer isn't definitely divorce, marriage is not easy it need u both to work on it and after sometime things will get normal....it may just need some time

@zoser

yes, i had a neighbors before who used to fight alot with her husband and always raises her voice, and she ended up divorced,about cooking yes most girls aren't good cooks but they all do great after marriage and my sister and a cousin proved that 100% to me

and i am not talking about see elsayed, but Egyptians can't stand there wifes to raise there voices with them

and when i said wifes here do house work and dont raise there voices, i didn't mean 100% of course and there are many coubles here have the same problems the asker having but those aren't the normal marriages here i am talking about the majority

i really really don't mean to offend to the asker, i am just saying that marriage from different cultures aren't easy

in any marriage both of them have to work on it and sacrifice a little to succeed

@ zoser

first of course i will change the diapers for the babies and i will try to help with the house work and maybe even cook from time to time.

i don't want to get far from the point, i am just trying to be fair, the asker is saying that the husband began to show his true colors as well some other answerers, its not true maybe she also started to show the true colors and that was just his reaction or just both was honest but they didn't know each others well "remember we are hearing the story from one side"

saify

I am not the right person to advise u
but still i have 2 advices
1.when he is shouting at u or picking don't argue back just let it go
2.tell him that women in Egypt do not earn and are provided by the husbands

sImEy 798

when i finished reading your question's subject i forgot the top half of it

Sarah k(is all about simplicity)

first of all i want to tell you thank you for writing all this and letting out ur emotions especially when you have problems like this at home, where you live.it's true your husband is stuck in the past. tell him to take a trip to egypt and see how marriages are now,the man works as hard as the woman now. its not like it was 10-15 years ago. and about having male friends i think that's not a good idea since none of the egyptian women have male friends after marriage (or before..it depends on how the girl was raised) from what i know some forgieners in new countries like your husband just marry a women that has been living in that country just to get a passport. maybe im wrong and maybe your husband already has a passport idk but that's the cases i have heard of

Regalbitch

why would you wanna be with someone who wants you to be someone else? True love is loving someone for who they are, warts & all.

Venus

Sorry, but the divorce is the only INTELLIGENT option.

And I'm not saying this because of cultural differences, that can be managed if there is mutual love, respect and understanding. I'm saying this because of his CHARACTER / PERSONALITY, which is BAD / IMMATURE. Plain and simple. The only good thing you can do is to leave for good.

†ĦΣ WЄAРØИS †ĦΣY FЄΑЯ...

Lets face it....marriage sucks . I'm 21 and ill never get married..there is always the living together option for me..tho i live in a Muslim country

Made of Honor

Wow, i suggest that you should go see a marriage counselor or a psychologist. He need to know your value and appreciate you existence in his life. The man is supposed to take care of his wife more than the woman to take care of her husband.

__A_YAHOO_USER__

wow long story lol

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