jtrall25
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It's not so much what I've lost, it's that I've forgotten where I've put something; so I go in search of it, - kind of like this morning at 3:30 I had to get up to pee, (again), as I am waiting for things to happen I look at the vanity top among my wife's potions and cultures and realize my glasses are not sitting there by my reader's digest, (which I forgot - again - to order in LARGE PRINT in spite of the two notes I let myself - one being a lime green, (icky!), post-it note on the RD re-order form. I remember now seeing the note that said order LP this time, and thought Mary wrote it, and was getting senile, we have natural gas you see; don't use LP except up at the cabin - and that tank is full.
Anyway I noticed a diet Pepsi sitting there by my glasses too - which is 3/4 full of warm soda so I started drinking that. By now I am standing in front of the wash basin staring at myself in the vanity mirror - not recognizing the gray haired 55 year old staring back at be in rumpled pajama top and a fright wig of hair who is mimicing my every move.
I stick out my tongue to confirm that it really is covered in fur - which oddly enough it is not, and drink more of the pepsi hoping the acid in the mix will burn off the rest of the slime cap on my tongue. I chug the last third of the can hoping for a big belch and am suprised when a long train whistle of a fart breaks free instead.
God - I'm only 55 and I have no idea of what;s happening to me, or why I'm standing here in my own bathroom drinking Diet Pepsi and making bathroom noises like a kid at Camp. Ah my glasses - I found my glasses! Why was I looking for them at a quarter to 4 in the morning? As I recall, I did not sleep with them on, and I did not need them to see in my dreams. Very odd.
I'm up now - might as well get a snack, and then back to bed. Of course any snack from midnight to 6:00 AM used to be loosely defined as BEER and something - cold pizza, olives, peanuts, crackers, potato chips, dry ceral, lettuce, - what ever was at hand. Now-a-days, after six daughters I had been hooked. I was hoplessly addicted to oreo's and cold 2% milk.
So I trompted down the stairs to the kitchen for that black and white concoction that made me weak in the knees and turned my teeth grey. Now why any creature, especially a cat, would choose to knowingly decide to go to sleep on the third riser of the back stairs leading down from the second and third floors above to the pantry & kitchen on the main level of the house I have no Idea, - All I know is that when a 6'-1" - 250 lb. man's size 12 foot decends on a tabby's hind parts, and said stupid cat - while a moron, is lighting fast enolugh to get out from under crushing injury from said desecnding foot and race up manys leg, crotch, belly, chest, neck, face and hair, all the while empting it's bowels - so it can increase it's travel speed from Mach 1 to Mach 2, and finally propell it's spring like body off of the equally starled human launch pad to make a bee line to hide under the humans' bed, then in spite of claw tracks up your torso, you really have to admire that cat's reaction time.!!
Of course by this time I am doing my thir mid-air pirouette and swiftly descending for an imperfect 3 point landing - left-heel, tailbone, and right palm & wrist.
Fortunately nothing is broken, although I won't be out of bed for two days starting tomorrow.
As I lay there with the wind knocked out of me, and my vison is swiming back in to focus, I notice a light glinting off something under the fridge, - infact - since is the first time I've ever been down here - I notice a whole bunch of little shiney glintys under the fridge - like little sparklers. With my foot I snag the little floor Wizard mop thing that you wipe over the floor, and it cleans & shines and simonizes everythning in one pass - (Yeah - Billy Mays says so right there on the TV so it must be so!).
Anyway, you use the mop handle to "fish out" some of these sparkly things you think you see, - and Jesus, Joseph, Mother mary of God - look at that will ya!! In amongst the twist ties and dust bunnies, kitchen crumbs and two old aspirin are two different diamond stud earings, and one of my diamond stud tie tacs. I do some more fishing, and in the next ten minutes have cleaned out Ali-Ba-Bas treasure.
The haul is 4 diamond rings, 6 diamond earings, 2 diamond broaches. 1 diamond encrusted ladies watch, 5 diamond stud tie tacs, 3 sets of diamond studded cuff links. and one diamond stick pin. There was no mice droppings in the little nest behind the fridge or in the walls, but there were a number of holes in the base boards & corners - all cleverly concealed or hidden in the dark, that belonged to a (no not a squirrel), a family of gophers. Thats right - gophers with a taste for the good life apparently.
So, I get that all cleaned up and put the jewlery in a tupperware cannister with tha burp lid, - in the refriderator, - I'll have to give it to Mary tomorrow, - she'll now what belongs to who. And once again I find myself in another room in the house, not knowing what I came here for, or what I wanted to do if I got here. I do have my glasses and an empty diet coke can, and PJ's on. I sit down at the Kitchen table trying to thi nk of what it was that I came down here for, and decided that it must be to watch TV in the den, - so I won't disturb anyone, so I decide to make popcorn, grab another soda, and see whats on late night / early moring cinema.
The Micro wave popcorn takes about 2min, 40 seconds to pop. By the time I had it in the bowl and had a new diet pepsi in hand, two sleepy tow head twins were standing at my feet with their little blankies holding on to my legs. THe aroma of the popcorn work them up, and now they wanted some or waffles and scrambled eggs, but they had to both go potty first.
Luckily they were both well into potty training so they said all I gad to do was "wipe" when they called. look at their business and tell them what a good job they had done, and then flush their doody in the big people potties away; - and clean thier potties so they were fresh again. See?
Yes I saw I was going to be making waffles and scrambled eggs and orange juice too. So I got the tots on their potties and headed backto the kitchen to start breakfast for 3 at 4 in the morning. By now a good strong cup of coffee sounded good, and if the popcorn worked to drw the little ones awake - could the fresh coffee aroma enlist the help of an aduklt or two to help with breakfast?
I made coffee, and batter for pancakes, had the scambled egg mixture ready, and was about to start cooking eggs and flipping 'jacks, when I realized no one had yet called for "Done" or ready or "Wipe". So before I commited to the stove, I went to check on the two little nose miners in my charge. Ah that was the reason for the silence - they were both fast asleep on the job. I carefukky checked each one - and each one had accomplisahed the mission before or during slumber, so I cleaned each little angel bottum with wipes, rubber on a little lotion to keep the pink flesh pink, replaced pull ups and pj bottoms, and back to the bed with both. By the time I made it back to the kitchen eggs were bublling on the stove next to a popin' skilled to thick sliced pepper bacon, and flap jacks were piling up. My cup was rinsed & stood draining on the drain board, so I re-filled it and kissed mom and grandma, and took a seat for breakfast. Dad was just coming down to join in. I of course was the oly one in PJ's and still really did'nt know what I was doing downstairs, it was now 6:00 am. |
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