Know any New Zealand jokes?

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• Koala • uʍop ɹǝpun

Two Kiwi’s are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says, “Cawww I’ve gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh.”

“Walk out to the ind of thit plank,” replies Muck. “I’ll stand on this ind & balance ut.”

“Are you sure, Muck?”

“Yis, no worries”

“100%?”

“YIS!”

So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he’s supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.

Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID ( New Zealand ) are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest… Wazza the Aussie says, “Mate I’ve been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila’s!”

Pierre, the Frenchman says, “No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.”

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says, “No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming, “CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!”

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A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'

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Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep

zee_prime

I live in a small NZ town called Tuatapere. The definition of a virgin here is a girl who can run faster than her brother. I went to a pub quiz in nearby Invercargill once. When I told somebody I live here, he said "Where do you get virgin wool?"
"From a sheep that can run faster than you!"
There are 48 million sheep in NZ, and 4 million of them think they're people.
How did all those Kiwis cross the Tasman to Aussie?
The first one swam across, and the rest walked across on the scum.
How do you stop a Kiwi drinking too much?
Slam the toilet lid on his head.

numnutts31

What do you give a kiwi for christmas ....

a) a wollen pull over.

atomixandie

God called out to one of his angels one day, when he was creating the world

"Come here, I want to show you something"

"Look at this country. It's going to be the most beautiful country, the right balance between beach and farms, sun and snow. And these people will be the most beautiful and intelligent people. I will call it Aoterora."

The angel looked puzzeled for a second. "God," he queried, "what happened to the balance, between good and bad?"

God turned back to the angel. "Wait till you see the bastards I'm putting next to them"

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