jmp78
|
I can't really add anything apart from the helpful posts from other members. Why did you post this in the UK travel section though? |
|
jason146558
|
WOW 20 years and he hasn't married you WOW is all I can say |
|
kelly m
|
Scare him.
Tell him you want marriage or else your leaving.
And if he still says no then thats telling you that you should leave and move on because hes just showing that he doesnt love you like he should after 20 freakin years. |
|
finkbrau_rocks
 |
propose? |
|
sparkymarksquire
|
You can't MAKE somebody marry you & ultimatums would defeat the whole point of a marriage proposal. How can you TELL somebody to ASK you without them thinking that you are a little over powering?
However,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Next year is a Leap Year.
It's a well known & romantic tradition for women to propose on the 29th February.
I believe that is the only day they women are allowed to.
;0) |
|
mr b
 |
come on!!!! if you have a daughter with him then she will get as much as the other children....why do you want your family to get it all? think about his other daughter too(even if you dont like each other)..... actually if he was to die tomorrow, the sharing of his estate will be equal amongs his children ....perfect! i guess if you have been with the guy for 20yrs and he hasnt married you yet, he will never do it. if you are happy, why would you want to change that with marriage? let it go....and yes, as his common law wife, in the eyesof the law you have the same rights as a wife. so dont worry, you will get a "share" of what you are looking for. |
|
Mimis
|
I mean if in twenty years you don't have the trust to say "Darling it is time to clear things" I think you have a problem as a couple, before I answer a girl that wanted to know if propose to her boyfriend, and I have my reservations but in your case if you don't then it's going to be strange, c'mon you already have a daughter, what biggest commitment could you have? And be sure that even if he marries you to prepare a testament. Even if you only have a TV, people can kill for money, so better to assign what is for who on time. |
|
chick2lit
 |
Ultimatums don't work - everyone ends up losing. The only person whose behavior you can control is yourself. What I tend to do when faced with a thorny issue is to set a deadline for myself to make a decision - sort of like an ultimatum for myself. I allow myself to think about the problem from every direction, or not at all, as mood and emotions dictate. By the time I reach my deadline, my thought processes have cleared away all confusion and complications and I'm left with a decision I'm typically 100% certain is the right one for me.
It seems that your answer isn't to be found on Y!A, but has to come from within. Give yourself a deadline - I tend to favor having a weekend involved in mine - and just think about the issue from every angle possible. You'll know the right choice by the time you reach your deadline. |
|
penguino8165
 |
Ultimatums rarely, if ever, work. After 20 years, I'd say he's not intent on marrying again.
What you really need to do, if you're concerned about the house and benefits, is sit down with him and explain your concerns. Then the two of you will need to see an attorney to have papers drawn up to protect you and your daughter. That way, if something *does* happen, you will know that you won't lose anything to his daughter or former wife. Yes, they may be able to collect on certain benefits, but they won't be able to collect 100%, or put you and your daughter out on the streets.
Good luck. |
|
Natty-Lea
|
Why don't you propose to him? Make it really romantic, and show him just how much you love him - How could he refuse? After 20 years you deserve some security. If he's not willing to give you that then move on and find somebody else who is. Don't waste your life any longer. In the future your daughter will be entitled to her fair share no matter what happens - so try not to worry about that. Your happiness needs to come first for a change. :-) |
|
PuppyPrince
|
I agree, only give an ultimatum if you are prepared for him to walk away or let you go. But really, why have you stayed with him this long when you obviously both want different things? You're right about not inheriting his money as there is no such thing as a common law relationship in England and Wales - have you raised this with him?
You need to sit down with him and have a good, long serious talk and don't let him laugh or shrug it off as it's so important to you. Tell him it's about security - emotional as well as financial - and nothing to do with trivia like white dresses or an expensive honeymoon or just being called Mrs. Good luck! |
|
Penfold
|
If it's the money you're scared of losing when he dies, ask him to write a will instead. If he writes the will whilst he is not ill in anyway and can prove you have been together for 20 years once he got his divorced, the will would be difficult to contest after his death. |
|
babbie
|
I agree ultimatums don't work, but you said you have a daughter together. Talk to him in terms of providing for her if something happens to him. If he doesn't even care about his own child, that's not somebody I'd want to waste any more time on. Good luck. |
|
Le Baron
|
Can U blame the child for being that way, infidelity is a high in the UK and if found out U are tarnished with a brush that remains with U for the rest of our life.
Have U asked your boyfriend about getting married, maybe he is reluctant due to having been married and what he did to cause it to fail. What if U did get hitched, what happened before may happen again....not saying it will but after 20 years together you need to make sure that he provides for U and your child, ask him directly...be honest. Do not give him an ultimatum, it would give him a reason to walk out on you and your child. |
|
fatsausage
 |
I agree with Natty-Lea - propose to him and tell him your concerns. Suggest a very quiet simple wedding - just so that it is legal. If he wants - you could sign a pre-nuptial agreement to protect his first daughter. |
|
bugsie
 |
Dearest, you cannot MAKE any human do something they do not want to do! Marriage included. If I were you I would start saving for your own life with out him. Just in case.
My experience and training comes from being one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
PEOPLE accuse us of conversion or brainwashing. None of it is possible, truly we cannot convert folks, they MUST convert themselves. This is the same thing, you cannot CONVERT HIM to marriage, just convince him it is right, while you start saving for your OWN future!!! |
|
Molly
|
I say instead of giving him an ultimatum, you begin to drop a few hints.... and if that doe sent work then why don't you ask him yourself?? |
|
The Beatles
|
why dont you talk to him about it? If you two are really ment fr eachother, than he would understand if you had an honest talk about how you both felt about your relationship and what you wanted from it. |
|
Buzzy
 |
Good for you for sticking together so long; but it sounds like you've come to a crossroads in life. Check with a divorce attorney to determine your monetary rights. Any $$ you have contributed you are entitled to, but let the atty. guide you. It's a tough decision for you to make. I have been living with my gf for 2 years and I am going to leave her $100,000. in my will should I die b/4 her. Also I will leave instructions to my executor to pay for her utilities and taxes etc. until she would decide to move. I own the house we live in.
Good luck to you. |
|
jackie m
|
You have the rights of a married women but not the paper to prove it - join the club, except I have been with my man for 9 years, I was previously married but he has never been and he made it clear he has no plans to do so, that its only a piece of paper, he calls me the wife but although my kids are grown up he has a 11 year old who would get everything - not that hes got anything except insurance policies. |
|
Gram
|
My friend was in the same sitiation as you, almost exactly. Her boyfriend was diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs disease, so they decided to get married Its what they both wanted, after 20 years, Sadly enough he passed away a month ago, |
|
itsme
|
julie. if he has not married you by now......more than likely he isn't.......... you cannot make anyone marry you, I think you already know the answer to your question.Who knows better than you?
unless you have something in writing from him to care for you and your child in the event he may pass away, your pretty much on your own.
as far as the money going to his first child ....you bet that is going to happen.ultimately you will do what you know is best |
|
St N
|
How does British law work. In the eyes of Canadian law you are in a common law situation and entitled to alimony on collapse of the "marriage" and survivor benefits should he die. Is there a will and how are you set up in it? If there is no will, you have a solid claim to 20 years worth of his estate. |
|
Helena
|
You can't *make* your bf marry you . . . you need to tell him your concerns, just as you have done here.
As for an ultimatum, it depends on what you think he'll do . . . |
|
katieskies
|
After 20 years you should have to MAKE him marry you first of all, that's all I can say. |
|
Polar Molar
|
Sounds like he's afraid of commitment !! Probably got burned badly with his first wife and doesn't want to repeat it !! If it's security that you want ask him to put you in his will as the main beneficiary that way the little bi*ch won't get it all !! I think that you have earned a place in his will by staying with him all these years !! |
|
coley0_1
|
You can't make someone marry you they have to be willing like having sex ( if it's good they will stay) and if you been together for 20 years it can't be that bad why spoil it in giving him an ultimatum.On the other hand if you stay un-married then you need to do somethings now to safeguard your future before it's to late. If you have bought your house make sure it's in both your names,Both of you make a will to say where your assets are going to go in the event the unforeseen happens. Open a joint bank account where you both put so much in a month .Hopefully by doing all these things it will give you some sense of security and you wont even have to marry him to get these done. |
|
Buzzer4
|
Put him down and explain it to him. Plan what you want to say and do it in a gentle way, don't get his back up. Explain that you need this.
In the eyes of the law you are his common law wife. If you walked out tomorrow you are in titled to half of what he has and he would have to pay maintenance for your daughter. |
|
ecfcbish
|
gosh..........move on with your life! |
|
Stephen K
|
You can't. not at this late stage. |
|
nickiesx
|
dont marry him people can be together years like you, then they get that bit of paper and it all goes wrong tell him how you feel maybe you should both make wills good luck x |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
Travel
Forum 
United Kingdom 
No Spam
Adult 
Gambling
Unfinished
Deception
Plagiarism
Not English
